me, talking to a dog: you’re soft. are you even aware of your mortality? of course ur not. u pure, wholesome and sentient unselfish being. do u feel that? that’s my heart. i love you. look at those ears. here take my wallet
ur mom hands u a glass of orange juice. u take a sip. its not orange juice. its stirred egg yolks. u spit them all out. u ask ur mom why. she turns around. its not ur mom. its me. ur mom is gone. im ur mother now
these old spice commercials have been getting really crazy lately
me, also: hey did you know that all pennies minted prior to 1982 are pure copper pennies and not copper plated and are technically actually worth 2 cents
me: *is afraid to ask people for help at stores* *stutters when ordering take out* *runs as fast as i can out of a room after i shut the lights off in case the shadow monsters try to get me* *will refuse to go back into a room after seeing a spider until i know for a fact it is gone*
